Learning Module 6

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Original:
The Context: Venmo was created by two young men who met in college and bounced from job to job as software engineers, but always dreamed of creating their own startup. These men are Iqram Magdon-Ismail and Andrew Kortina. They tried out a couple different ideas for a startup like “Swooge” and “Philafunk” before the idea of money sharing came to fruition.

While at a jazz show one night, they discussed the concept of sharing music through text messages. They even created a wireframe for the idea. Then one weekend when Andrew to pay back Iqram for a weekend due to a left-behind wallet, they asked each other, “Why are we still doing this? We do everything else with our phones. We should definitely be using PayPal to pay each other back. But we don’t, and none of our friends do.”

Revised:
The Context: Two young men created Venmo after they met in college and bounced from job to job as software engineers. They always dreamed of creating their own startup, but most of their ideas did not make give them the opportunity. These men are Iqram Magdon-Ismail and Andrew Kortina. The first couple attempts at a startup were “Swooge” and “Philafunk” before the idea of money sharing came to fruition.

While at a jazz show one night, they discussed the concept of sharing music via text messages which would allow the user to send the musician a message and then the user would receive a song. They even created a wireframe for the idea. Then a day came when, due to a left-behind wallet, Andrew had to pay back Iqram for a weekend, they asked each other, “Why are we still doing this? We do everything else with our phones. We should definitely be using PayPal to pay each other back. But we don’t, and none of our friends do.”

Follow up:
I think the revision is easier to follow especially when I tell the story of how they came up with the idea. I used more action verbs and made sure to place the verbs near the subject. I also replaced a comma and phrase.

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