Learning Module 6

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Before: The Make-A-Wish Foundation provides hope, joy, and strength to children with life- threatening medical conditions by granting their wishes. On an average of every 21 seconds, Make-A-Wish makes a child’s wish a reality. The organization is active in almost fifty countries. They are responsible for granting over 350,000 wishes since 1980. Around eight thousand of these wishes are Disney related.

After: The Make-A-Wish foundation provides hope, joy, and strength to children with life-threatening medical conditions by granting their wishes in almost fifty countries worldwide. Make-A-Wish wishes come true every 21 seconds on average. Since 1980 the foundation has granted over 350,000 wishes, with about 8,000 of these being related to Disney.

Follow-up: I think this revision flows much better and makes the paragraph much easier to read.

Before: Walt Disney Parks and Resorts also make peoples dreams come true. The company has been in business for more than sixty years. Disney vacation spots are among the top destinations in the world.

After: Walt Disney Parks and Resorts has also been making people’s dreams come true for over sixty years and is considered among the top destinations in the world.

Follow-up: Peoples should have been people’s, and I think my revision made the paragraph more concise and easier to read.

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