Learning Module 6

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Before:
For years the people of these major cities have been receiving fines that could amount up to hundreds of dollars in expenses for each individual ticket, and the tickets may not even be legitimate. There was actually a study done by a New York City citizen that showed that the police had been issuing inaccurate tickets since 2009, when a common traffic law was amended. This misguidance of the police officers resulted in thousands of cars being inaccurately ticketed for several years (Baraniuk). Even worse, by the time they find out they have a ticket, their only options at the time were to “bite the bullet” and pay around half the cost of the ticket without going to court or hire an expensive traffic court attorney and try to get the ticket dropped. This process can cost more than the actual ticket, with some traffic court lawyers charging upwards of $900 ("A 19-year-old Made a Free Robot…”). Clearly, the people of our major cities were being taken advantage of and needed someone or something to help them.

After: The people of these major cities have been receiving fines for years that may be illegitimate. These fines could amount to hundreds of dollars in expenses for each individual ticket. Actually, a New York City citizen perform a study that showed that the police had been issuing inaccurate tickets since 2009, when a common traffic law was amended. Even worse, their only options by the time they find out they have a ticket were to “bite the bullet” and pay around half the cost of the ticket without going to court or hire an expensive traffic court attorney and try to get the ticket dropped. This process can cost more than the actual ticket, with some traffic court lawyers charging upwards of $900 ("A 19-year-old Made a Free Robot…”). Clearly, the people of our major cities were being taken advantage of and needed someone or something to help them.

Follow-up:
The main revisions I made to the above paragraph involved making sure that I was using an Agent-Action style in my writing and also making sure the sentences were condensed. I tried to make the paragraph easier to reader by making sure most of the sentences didn't use a passive voice. I also eliminated several run-on sentences.

Before:
Then, Joshua Browder came onto the scene. The average person who reads this name may not instantly recognize who Joshua is, or realize he is the creator of a revolutionary software that is helping the citizens of major cities around the world. Joshua Browder was a freshman at Stanford University studying Computer Science and Economics when he decided that he finally had lost his patience with receiving parking tickets. According to an article by ThisIsMoney, a British economic news site, Joshua “set up the website after receiving 30 parking tickets. Of the tickets he was issued, the majority were quashed upon appeal - and the website was born” ("DoNotPay Creator Joshua Browder…”). After finding that many of the tickets he was issued won the appeals that were sent with them, Joshua realized that many of his fellow people that received parking tickets were not actually trying to break the law. He was quoted by VentureBeat for saying “These people aren’t looking to break the law. I think they’re being exploited as a revenue source by the local government” ("The DoNotPay Bot Has…”). Although this may seem like a bold claim to make, it is hard to argue against this fact whenever you look at the enormous amount of revenue that these cities are pulling in just from parking violations.

After: Then, Joshua Browder came onto the scene. The average person who reads this may not instantly recognize the name Joshua Browder. They also may not realize he is the creator of a revolutionary software that is helping the citizens of major cities around the world. Joshua Browder was a freshman at Stanford University studying Computer Science and Economics when he decided that he finally had lost his patience with receiving parking tickets. According to a British economic news article by ThisIsMoney, Joshua “set up the website after receiving 30 parking tickets. Of the tickets he was issued, the majority were quashed upon appeal - and the website was born” ("DoNotPay Creator Joshua Browder…”). Consequently, he realized that many of his fellow people that received parking tickets were not actually trying to break the law, but rather did not know that they were breaking the law in the first place. He was quoted by VentureBeat for saying “These people aren’t looking to break the law. I think they’re being exploited as a revenue source by the local government” ("The DoNotPay Bot Has…”). The enormous amount of revenue that these major cities are pulling in just from parking violations makes it hard to argue with this bold claim.

Follow-up: Whenever I started this revision, this paragraph had a lot of complex sentences and was very hard to follow along. Therefore, I chose to edit most of the sentences so they followed the Agent-Action style, which made them much easier to read. The simpler sentences allow the reader to quickly move through the more complex information.

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