Paragraph Revision

Before: According to the United Nations, 783 million people do not have access to clean water, and 2.5 billion people do not have access to sanitation. Approximately 1000 children die each day due to diseases they contracted from unsanitary water. The fact that so many people do not have access to something that a lot of others take for granted is horrifying. Many couldn’t imagine life without clean tap water and don’t have to worry that the next sip of water they take could kill them.

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Revising for Context

The draft has the right kinds of information because it is nothing too intense, but it contains skills that are important to learning Photoshop. However, I overran the amount of pages I was aiming for.

I think that I provide good information because I provide screenshots of my own work in my project as examples.

I need to revise it a bit to give more explanation of why someone would use these processes and put some more emotion into it since it seems solely instructional right now.

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"About Me" and Documentation Revision

I discovered that I have way too many "I haves" and "this will be" terms that could easily be taken out or changed to make the writings sound better. I also realized that I have a problem with starting sentences with "I am" every time, especially in the "About Me." This process helped me realize these things and see where I need to make changes to my sentences.

"About Me"

Before:

I am currently interning at Bosch Rexroth in Fountain Inn in the quality department.

After:

Currently, I intern at Bosch Rexroth in Fountain Inn in the quality department.

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Paramedic Method

Before: I'm a highly motivated, socially aware individual who excels in establishing and maintaining relationships.

After: Highly motivated, socially perceptive young professional who excels in establishing and maintaining relationships with key clients.

Before: I can effectively communicate corporate branding through facebook, instagram, and twitter, as well as my own personal networking.

After: Effectively communicates corporate brand through social media and personal networking.

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Reading Response 5

Audience
❏ Does the draft have the right amount and kinds of information,
considering your readers’ experience and knowledge?

Yes, since I'm catering to readers who may not have a lot of experience with the adobe suite, I was sure to be detailed.

❏ Does the draft reveal that you know what you are talking about? Will
readers trust you and believe your information is accurate? (These are
questions about ethos; see page 11.)

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